I answered the door to a Chinese lightbulb salesman and he said, "Sell you light? Sell you light?" So I turned around and said, "It's for you, darling. He wants to look at the back of your legs"
I came across my old friend Dave at the bar the other day. He told me to wipe it off and apologise...
I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die!
Heh, reminds me of a quote from PJ O'Rourke. He was writing an article about a case before SCOTUS, and one of the lawyers quoted some law case saying that "Congress had acted carefully." PJ wrote "which means who knows what plus I doubt it."
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."