La Nona Italiana An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming all the way to the old neighborhood in Little Italy to visit with his wife: "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 . There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Comma inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3." When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "Whaa . . . . .. .. You coming empty - handed?"
USEFUL WORK PHRASES 1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 12. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 13. No, my powers can only be used for good. 14. How about never? Is never good for you? 15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. 17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message . 19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
(More like a chuckle than a joke) He had a little store, and the people were stealing him blind and never made any money, and people sold him a couple of cash registers and it went to profit immediately. And, of course, he closed the store and went into the cash register business...
CHASING RABBITS The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" Author Unknown ( probably in hiding)
A congressional committee has turned jurisdiction over to the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). In a statement released this morning by RAG (Rabbits against George Bush) Peter Rabbit said "Just because he let me go in the forest, George Bush a not 'liberator'" of rabbits everywhere"
1st christmas joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols." And So The Christmas Season Begins......
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. Stay tuned.....