How many people with severe vertigo does it take to change a lightbulb? 3... One to lean against the ladder, one to fall off and one to complain because "the lights are all whirly"...
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my leather jacket. âYou know a cow was murdered for that jacket?â she sneered. I told her, âI didnât know there were any witnesses. Now Iâll have to kill you too.'
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
I saw a sign posted in a workplace today. It said "If you practice substance abuse......" WTF...."practice?"... 12 step.. "Hello, my name is Bob." "Hi Bob." "I haven't practiced smoking crack in three day.""' Support group cheers "Yeah!" "Way to go Bob!" ---------------- "Dad...Dad....calm down.... I'm only practicing with this doobie..." "It's not like I got tryouts or anything"
I took all the blind kids from the childrens hospital to France for the weekend to visit the eiffel tower when one of them said "sir, it really smells funny up here" "thats because where in france, now lets go to euro disney!!" i replied "yeeeeeyyyyy!!!" Gullible bastards, all it took was eating a bowl of chili and a blast to the back of the van.