Funny Dennis Miller For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs. We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves. Listen, the weather is just like Hilary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we? He's (Michael Moore) going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong. A new poll of Iraqis shows that more than half of them believe they would be safer if U.S. troops left their country. In a related story, more than half of Americans believe we would be safer if Iraqis stopped answering poll questions and helped us get their damn lights back on, OK? You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. Dan Quayle's head is emptier than a jack-in-the-box in downtown Seattle. He shouldn't been the second-in-command to the Hakawi tribe from F Troop, much less the most powerful nation on the face of this planet.
Where did you find it? Prison? I don't believe I've ever heard one quite like this. I'm crying like a two year old with wet diaper, but, but,......... I'm in awe, or shock. I know. Shock and Awe. The should have dropped leaflets over Iraq with his in Arabic in 2003. We could have walked into Baghdad.
Two old lesbians were doing it on a park bench. One lesbian says to the other, "Take your glasses off, you're scratching my leg." "Put your glasses back on, you're licking the bench!" to be continued.....
Third grade kids ask to tell a story with a moral... First little girl: We are farmers and we gathered all the eggs in the chicken house to take to the market. We were going to get new shoes with the money from the sale. On the way to the market daddy hit the brakes too hard and the whole basket of eggs fell over and everyone of them broke. And what is the moral to that story Sally? ask the teacher. Dont put all your eggs in one basket. Very good Sally. And now Lucy. We are farmers too and we gathered all our eggs and put them in the incubator. We were gonna sell all the baby chickens and get new toys. I dreamed about the little doll I was gonna buy and told all my friends. But, none of the eggs hatched cause they werent fertile and my poppa threw them all away. And what is the moral to that story Lucy? ask the teacher. Dont count your chickens before they hatch. Very good Lucy. And now Johnny. My grandpa was a pilot in Viet Nam and he got shot down over Laos. All he had with him was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun with 100 bullets and a machete. He baled out of the plane and on the way down he drank the whole bottle of whiskey. He landed right in the middle of 125 viet cong. He shot 100 of them with his machine gun and then he cut another 20 to pieces before his machete broke. Then he fought hand to hand and broke necks on three of them. The last two he bit thru their throats and spit their wind pipes onto the ground. Then he was saved by a helicopter. Good God Johnny, what could possibly be the moral to that horrible story? Dont fuck with Grandpa when hes been drinking.
The Top 15 Redneck Porno Movies I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer Turn Her and Hooch Urban Cow, Boy! Debbie Does Dullards I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller Timmay Gets Rear Ended by CYGT The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing) Nasty NASCAR Nimphama--, uh, Nymfama--, uh, Crazy Nekkid Gals! Deep Goat Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister Auntie Get Your Gums The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers Behind the Green Teeth Bob and Carol and Bessie and Babe and the Number 1 Redneck Porno Movie... Deputy BillyBob Ventura: Pet Fucker & Ace Detective (not really, I just made it up)
I wanna play! How âbout: The Mutton King Savoring Bubbas Privates X: Illiterate Men United Pretty Farmanimals Thereâs Somthinâ About My Sister Mary Sleepless in a Ford 150 50 First Cousins Three Men and a Little Fishinâ The Best Little Whorehouse ta the Trailer Park Poontang for Cash The Chronicles of Rennick Rambone Snow White and the Seven Nascar Drivers Tittie Slickers Billy Joeâs Theory of Relativity Aunt Pearlâs Necklace Sweet Bone Alabama A Fistful of Grandpa Deliver, Rance! Sheepless in the Saddle Workin' Stiff Men in Tight The Dear Hunter The Odd Coupling
Like a guest appearance from Alfred Hitchcock in his own movies, I have to throw in a special line once in a while.
How about Porn for Seniors: the Naked and the Hard of Hearing Gums and Roses Same Time Next Year Something's Gonna Give
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?