Jokes 2

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

 

The Republicans are looking for a presidential candidate, so they drew up a checklist of qualities needed

1. Must be honest – unlike Nixon
2. Must have an IQ higher than 50 – unlike Bush
3. Doesn’t grope, rape or molest the opposite sex – unlike Clinton
4. Isn’t likely to start wars which the USA will lose – unlike Bush & Kennedy
5. Got political know how and talent – ?
6. Got integrity – Are you kidding me ? that disqualifies 99.9%

They have the FBI out looking. They have narrowed it down significantly they claim. There are rumours of a possible candidate living in The Rockie Mountains, large ( about 7 foot tall ) and hairy with big feet.

 

Someone who's somewhat experienced, even remotely competent, not a socialist, ..., unlike Obama

 

None of those things required. How bout just someone that's a natural born citizen of the US and uses a valid, legal social security number.

Unlike someone like, oh, say, Dominique Strauss-Kahn :eek:

 

A must read for Grandparents....(Those who aren't will love it, too.)


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,
'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach..

"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

 

After a school trip to a farm, the teacher asked the kids "What sounds did we hear on the farm yesterday?"

"Get off that fucking tractor"

Oh yea,, I forgot to say "Moo", "Neigh" and "Baaa".

 

I was watching "Extreme Couponing" on the Discovery Channel, one person got $1786.33 worth of stuff for $22.93, and their basement was literally a big grocery store filled with all their junk from past shopping trips.

Coincidently the next show on was "Extreme Hoarding".

Then the next show was,

"Extreme Hardons"

Then was,

"Extreme Moderators of ET"

Then was,

"Extreme Strap on Adventures of ET Posters"


Then was

"Extreme list of Extremes"

 

Obama said his family is just fine with one term.

My family is fine with that too.

 

So this polish guys walks into a bar.

 

LOL!