HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059... Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They Had simultaneous Headaches. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children each. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines... Oy! ... ... ... I Love This Country! It's The Government That Scares Me! Stop organized crime - Reelect no one!! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2059... ------------------ Barack Obama IV gets his big wheel stuck in a potato patch. Oi..
Good one Yannis and sadly trueish It's what we poor saps are fighting for enough to make decent folks spew !!
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were out in the yard shouting, '38....38....38' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on..... Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, and it hurt! Then they all started shouting '39....39....39'
One of my trader friends said he's suffered a fate worse than divorce. He lost half of his net worth and he's still married.
In a recent interview I was asked,"Give us some examples of yourself." "Speak for yourself" and "Go fuck yourself" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
Doing lines of coke with my hippy friend was a a bad idea as the last line turned out to be all dandruff......
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
How are women and tornadoes alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."