A deaf couple check into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment. Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel. But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one. It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.
So my shrink asked me "Are you the kind of person that jumps the gun before properly weighing up all the options?" I said "No!" Then he said, "Hang on it's multiple choice"
Got on a plane yesterday and the stewardess had a badge on her left side that said "Tina". I said "that's cute. What did you name the other one"?
I was on this bus yesterday and this fat slob stepped on my foot. He asked me if it hurt. I said "no, i'm on local anesthesia."
My girlfriend called me last night. She said 'if you're laughing, send me the joke. If you're crying, send me the tears. If you're at the atm, send me the money. ha-ha!" I told her I was on the toilet.
It was a dark and stormy night. A Monk is preaching to his disciples on the emotions of trading."Boys,You should never lose your tempers. You should never swear, or get excited or angry. I never do". Now to illustrate -- you see that big fly on my nose? A wicked and angry man would get angry at that fly,and kill it.. but I don't. I never lose my temper. I simply say, "Go away, fly, go away." And then suddenly he jumps and goes,"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! It's a Bee, the son of a bitch! Get it off of me,you useless fuckers!!!" Stay tuned.....
If the worlds ending tomorrow I'm coming back as this guy. <iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wHSHJWrIIx8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>