Jokes 2

You're not the only one.

 

How To Balance The Budget

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Another Heavy Blow To The Environment!!!

This is a very bad time for the world's oceans:
First, the BP oil spill...
Then, the Japanese nuclear disaster...

...

Now, Osama bin Laden!

 

Yannis, good stuff! Made my day!

 

Quote from Yannis:

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

The world is your urinal.

I was buying a peice of property and my lawyer asked why. (He didn't think it was a good deal).

I told him at least I can urinate on my property as opposed to urinating on my bank book.

He really expected me to say something like that.... ..

 

Which Reminds Me...

There was this man from Texas who visited London for the first time. After spending the whole day at the nuseums, he also spent several hours in some of the best bars in the city, where he enjoyed lots of English beer, the bitter kind. When the last bar closed well past midnight, he decided to enjoy a quiet stroll back to his hotel in the beautiful night. But he miscalculated both the distance and the capabilities of his bladder, and now he had a problem as everything was closed.

Of course, he decided to use one of the many narrow alleys for this purpose, but that didn't work either: the last moment, as he was finally standing in front of a dark grey wall, a policeman tapped him on the shoulder and explained to him in no uncertain terms that what he was about to do was "bloody unacceptable"!

What to do? Faced with the American's pleadings, the cop led him through many dark, narrow, curved, little back streets, got him in front of a large side-door of a magnificent estate, entered a code into the electronic lock to open it for him, and told him to go do what he needed to do anywhere in the exquisite garden, he would wait for him to lock the door behind them. The Texan was very relieved, very.

A few minutes later as they were walking away, he asked: "Is this the world famous British hospitality?"

"No", the bobby quipped, "this is the French Embassy!"

 

That has always been one of my favorite jokes. I think because I was so surprised with the ending.

 

A man called me today and asked for a quote.

"Certainly sir.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
By Winston Churchill. Thanks for calling"

I was later fired from Direct Line insurance.

 

A Few Quotes From The Great Sir Winston Churchill

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
A joke is a very serious thing.
A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality.
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives, I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.
Battles are won by slaughter and maneuver. The greater the general, the more he contributes in maneuver, the less he demands in slaughter.
Before Alamein we never had a victory. After Alamein we never had a defeat.
Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all.
Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others.
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
Do not let spacious plans for a new world divert your energies from saving what is left of the old.
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
For good or for ill, air mastery is today the supreme expression of military power and fleets and armies, however vital and important, must accept a subordinate rank.
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself.
From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the Continent.
Great and good are seldom the same man.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Healthy citizens are the greatest asset any country can have.
History is written by the victors.
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.
I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place.
I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality by contact with this great novel land of yours which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
I am never going to have anything more to do with politics or politicians. When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely to writing and painting.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I cannot pretend to be impartial about the colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.
I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
I like a man who grins when he fights.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I never worry about action, but only inaction.
I was only the servant of my country and had I, at any moment, failed to express her unflinching resolve to fight and conquer, I should at once have been rightly cast aside.
I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
If Hitler invaded hell I would make at least a favorable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.
If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another.
If we open a quarrel between past and present, we shall find that we have lost the future.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
In those days he was wiser than he is now; he used to frequently take my advice.
In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work for it with all your might.
In war, you can only be killed once, but in politics, many times.
In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.
India is a geographical term. It is no more a united nation than the Equator.
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
It is a fine thing to be honest, but it is also very important to be right.
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.
It is always wise to look ahead, but difficult to look further than you can see.
It is more agreeable to have the power to give than to receive.
It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary.
It was the nation and the race dwelling all round the globe that had the lion's heart. I had the luck to be called upon to give the roar.
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.
Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it.
...

 

Late Night Jokes
from Newsmax.com

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
President Obama gave a big speech at the U.S.-Mexico border, talking about creating pathways to citizenship. We already have pathways. They’re called tunnels.
Newt Gingrich announced he is running for president. His new slogan is “At least I’m not Trump.”
McDonald’s is undergoing a billion-dollar makeover, to be more like Starbucks — snobby, overpriced, and full of unemployed people.
Oreo has come out with something called the “Triple Double” Oreo. They call it that because your waistline triples and your cholesterol doubles.

Conan
President Obama’s approval rating is the highest in two years. Experts say that at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills bin Laden two more times.
Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, “What happened to the last guy?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold’s friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of “Jingle All the Way.”
Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.

Late Show With David Letterman
A deadly peacock has escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They want everyone to be on the lookout for an enormous tail. It’s like looking for Kim Kardashian.
There was a naked guy running around on the subway. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie . . .
Newt Gingrich announced that he’s running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.

Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden
10. "How many threats per minute can you type?"
9. "Can you work weekends?"
8. "Are you just doing this for the sweet 8-inch picture tube television?"
7. "How do your co-terrorists describe you?"
6. "What is the current bounty on your head?"
5. "Any ideas for a new catchphrase? 'Death to America' is kind of played"
4. "Would you require the use of the company llama?"
3. "How often do you delouse your beard?"
2. "Were you bar mitzvahed?"
1. "What are your long-term goals, besides not getting killed by Navy SEALs?"

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
Mel Gibson’s new movie is about a man who is so emotionally damaged that he can only communicate through hand puppets. It’s called “The Craig Ferguson Story.”
I don’t know how I feel about film festivals. On one hand, film is an art form and competition demeans it. On the other hand, I’m a very big fan of watching other people fail.
I’ve been to the Cannes film festival three times. Yes, I used to be in real show business.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!
CBS has offered Charlie Sheen’s role on “Two and a Half Men” to Hugh Grant. I wonder what the thought process was there: “Where can we find another actor who has been busted with hookers?”
Lindsay Lohan pleaded no contest to theft charges for allegedly taking a necklace from a jewelry store. She will serve her sentence at home with a monitoring bracelet. If she stole a necklace, what are the chances they’ll get that monitoring bracelet back?
After 25 years Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating. She said, “I’ll give you 25 years to learn to speak English. If not, we’re done.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Just a month after misplacing a cobra, the Bronx Zoo spent today looking for its missing female peacock. Yeah, you know what else the Bronx Zoo should be looking for? A new zookeeper.
A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don’t pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.
The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts won’t be going to anyone. Then China was like, “Wanna bet?”
The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas.