Those Brits Again Lady: Sir, Is this my train? Station Master: No Madam, it belongs to the London Railway Company. Lady: Don't try to be funny, Sir. I meant to ask if I can take this train to Liverpool... Station Master: Again, no Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy!
How To Shower Like a Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower and stand on bath mat. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake penis at her making the woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your penis and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Take a piss and aim for one of the drain holes. Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire penis size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake penis at her and make the woo- woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.
- Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. - Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. - And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. - It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. - Avoid cliches like the plague. - Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. - Be more or less specific. - Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. - Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. - No sentence fragments. - Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. - Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. - Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. - One should NEVER generalize. - Comparisons are as bad as cliches. - Don't use no double negatives. - Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. - One-word sentences? Eliminate. - Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. - The passive voice is to be ignored. - Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. - Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. - Kill all exclamation points!!! - Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. - Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. - Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. - Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." - If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. - Puns are for children, not groan readers. - Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. - Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. - Who needs rhetorical questions? - Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... - Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor ice cream in the world." "Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of cunt flavored ice cream please." "No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like cunt, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,.......... (I forgot the rest)
A blind guy walks to a curb and his guide dog is run over, a few minutes later he says "Traffic must be bad, we've been here a long time!".
The Monks' Secret A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby⦠And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover thesource of that haunting and seductive sound... ⦠⦠⦠But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monkâ¦
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole." To which she replied, "Listen jerk, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement! Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enou gh time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. And my favorite one: QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!