Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Years ago at an EF Hutton office, we had a guy who stuttered. Any of you guys hanging around an office like that realize it's boyz town. The coffee service guys told us the local Sunoco station had a cleaner Coffee Station. Anyway, the guys name was Nick, and in the ultimate cruel joke, a guy said, "Nick tried to buy an option, and it expired."
The Kentucky Mortician A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. For your pay, you can keep an extra $5,000. How did you manage to do it?' 'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it wasn't that hard. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a very expensive black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched the heads!'
Funny Rodney Dangerfield You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold! A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. A hooker told me "Not on the first date." Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I drink too much. Way too much. I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it. I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people. I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculousâ everyone hasn't met me yet. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with. I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!" I was such an ugly kidâ when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juiceâ I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom... It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway. Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either? Life is just a bowl of pits. My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two. My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture. My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know? The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you." The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone. When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said, "Is there someone else?" She said, "There must be." When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil! When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me... With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' You know the best part of having kids? ...making them. I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born. I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want! I love three girls at once...if I fall asleep, they got each other to talk to. Don't worry honey, I didn't see a thing...you're perfect! You kiddin'? I know I'm ugly...last year at Halloween when I opened the door, kids gave me candy. Some little kid tried to pull my face off. When I drove down the street, I stuck my head out the window and got a ticket for mooning. Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?' I'll never forget the time I tried Cocaine. Horrible experience. Of course, I was on Acid at the time... (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives! Epitaph on his tombstone: "There goes the neighborhood."
Funny Johnny Carson Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. The Hollywood tradition I like best is called 'sucking up to the stars'. A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island. The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over two hundred dollars. I ran into my stockbroker the other day. I couldn't help it, he jumped in front of my car!
Funny Bob Hope As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell. Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass. I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money. I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. You mean... like Democrats?
Funny dialog from Easy Money: Mother-in-law: "Look at you, you reek of cheap cigars, your eyes are bloodshot and you can barely stand erect." Rodney: "Yeah, nice to see you, too" ----------- Taking pics of the fat kid on the riding toy: Parents: "Have you ever seen a face like that?" RD: No. If I did I'd remember it. Parents: He has my eyes . . . he has my nose. . " RD: He has my sympathy Parents: Oooo can we get his fotos in a wallet size? RD: This kid won't fit in a wallet size -------------------- Inside Monahans, looking at the customers: Joe Pesci, the plumber: When you take over here you'll let me put the bathrooms in. RD, after a classic pause "They don't go to the bathroom here" ---- Pesci, looking around: "Are those the antiques?" RD: No, they're the customers ------------- Tailor, measuring RD's inseam: Twelve inches! RD: Boy, you're way off! RD: Hey take it easy! I ain't got no good side.
Funny Robin Williams Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party. I know there's one country in the world that doesn't have some horrible weapon of mass destruction they don't have some horrible weapons lab in the mountains ....Jamaica. They would never make an Atomic Bomb; they may make an Atomic Bong. But I'd rather fight a war with an Atomic Bong. (Jamaican accent) 'Cuz when the Atomic Bomb goes off there's devastation and radiation. When the Atomic Bong goes off there's celebration! Winston Churchill, the greatest orator of all time, was so screwed up on champagne and cognac, that he may not have done some of his own speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who did Winnie the Pooh. "We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land, Eeyore and Tigger!" Sh...theres a gay mafia... sh!!! "The Mauve Hand", sh... Fairy Godfather, "Does this dress-suit make my ass look big?" [Beep] Hold on, what is this? Oh, it's a gun â OK, get on the plane. ... And FROGS, fell from the sky! Maybe they fell from the sky or maybe there were just a lot of Jews with catapults going, "NOW!" Homeland Security â they had to be careful with that name. They couldn't name it "Fatherland Security" or else there would be old Germans going, "Ja, thats a good one." But, Homeland Security, it sounds like (with British accent) "Homefront Security," which was England during World War II, we would have a bunch of Englishmen going "I did it! I captured Rudolph Hess personally, I threw my colostomy bag and covered him in shit and said 'get out of that you f*****, get out!'" Once again we look to England for great oratory Tony Blair: Militant Liberal. Over here in America George W. Bush. Compassionate Conservative...I don't know what that is really. Kinda sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, I don't know why! Over here Tony Blair, who must address the House of Commons, which is like Congress with a two-drink minimum. They yell shit back "I believe my worthy opponent â" "OH F*** OFF! Shite! Bollocks, you bastards! F*** you!" "Will someone remove Mrs. Thatcher from the chamber please?" But After 9/11 it was Tony who said "This heinous incident has brought our civilization to the edge of oblivion but we shall endure." And there's poor Dubya going "Shit, I can't even spell that." They said the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they f******* put it. It's very difficult to have a call to jihad, with a mouthful of peanut butter. So pharaoh finally said, "Thats it! Hebrews, GET OUT!" So it was like, "Mah nishtadonai, everybody, come on. Let's not wait for the bread to rise, just take the crackers and the skin off your penis, we're leaving!" "Why the skin off our penis?" "Because we're traveling people, you don't want to get sand down there." Do you think they could make a drug to give you mental clarity into your golden years? No! ... But they give you a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra. When you're sixteen, you're invinceable. When you're 18, you're invinceable and know everything. You fall in love for the first time. "I'm in love!!! It's over. I can't live without Susan!!!! But wait, ..., there's Becky!"
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.