Jokes 2

In the eight days preceding the $38.5 billion deficit reduction deal, the national debt of the United States increased $54 billion.

This calls for a or two

 

I was standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me.

I turned my back a bit but when i looked he was still winking at me, so I said ''whats your problem, do you fancy me or something?''

He said ''no you dickhead, you're splashing my fucking eyes!''

 

I'll never forget what my late grandmother once said to me.

Sorry, "but the traffic was bad".

 

Speaking of late.

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?" said my late wife.

 

It's been a really bad day for me.

First, my wife got run over by a bus.

Then, I lost my job at the bus company.

 

Flight Etiquette

During a flight, it's considered rude to walk into the pilots' cabin to ask to borrow maps—they need them to make masks.

•The flight attendants (or "cloud police") might ask you to fasten your seatbelt, but they'll respect you more if you refuse. Because the plane is so far away from earth, rudeness is considered polite.

•Don't drink too much during the flight—the high altitude causes your blood to flow in reverse, causing each drink to make you more sober.

•It's OK to ask if you can fly the plane for a while, if you believe you'd be good at it. The plane's relative proximity to the sun will increase your reflexes and confidence—the only two skills pilots need.

•In first class, the passengers are treated to a flight-long class about the dangers of being poor. Also, the first-class cabin is filled with Oxygen Midnight®, the invisible supergas that only rich people can breathe.

•One of the wings is just a decoy filled with emeralds. The other, real wing is filled with birds (which are themselves filled with helium) to keep the plane afloat.

 

Become President.

A testament to what a Kenyan can do when presented with some clean drinking water.

 

I've had my census form send back to me.

In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependents?"

, I put "Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, all the people who go on America's got talent, Northern & Southern California and half of eastern United States.

Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.

 

"Florida Bankers Association inform the Florida Supreme Court that the notes were destroyed to prevent confusion."

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In the interest of efficiency . lmao

What's so funny? Because it's true.

OTH.... lost-note affidavits ..... had either been lost or destroyed......

Uhmmmm. we destroyed the documents to prevent confusion whoopsie, in the interest of efficiency, then file an affidavit to say they have been destroyed.



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