A man walks into a library and says, "Hi, do you have a book on constipation?" The librarian replies, "I'm afraid it hasn't come out yet."
Catholic Parrots A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed... Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: âHi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank... Our prayers have finally been answered!â
Wrt Payment "My Dear Sirs; In reply to your request to send a check, I wish to inform you that the present condition of my bank account makes it almost impossible. My shattered financial condition is due to federal laws, state laws, county laws, city laws, corporation laws, liquor laws, mother-in-laws, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, outlaws, and blue laws. Through these laws I am compelled to pay a business tax, amusement tax, head tax, school tax, gas tax, light tax, sales tax, liquor tax, carpet tax, income tax, food tax, furniture tax, and excise tax, even my brains are taxed. I am required to get a business license, car license, hunting and fishing license, truck license, not to mention a marriage license, and a dog license. I am also required to contribute to every society and organization which the genius of man is capable to bringing to life. To the womenâs relief, unemployed relief, and gold diggers relief; also to every hospital and charitable institution in the city including the black cross, the blue cross, the purple cross, and the double cross. For my own safety I am required to carry a life insurance, property insurance, liability insurance, burglar insurance, accident insurance, business insurance, earthquake insurance, tornado insurance, unemployment insurance, old age and fire insurance. My business is so governed that it is no easy matter for me to find out who owns it. I am inspected, suspected, disrespected, rejected, dejected, examined, informed, required, summoned, commanded, and compelled, until Iâve provided an in-exhaustible supply of money for every known need of the human race. Simply because I refuse to donate to something-or other I am boycotted, talked about, lied about, held up, held down, and robbed until I am almost ruined. I can tell you honestly that except for the miracle that happened I could not enclose this check. The wolf that comes to many doors these days just had pups in my kitchen. I sold them and ⦠here is your money!"
In bed, a man taps his wife on the shoulder and asks..."are you ready for some action?" Her reply... "not tonight... I have an appointment to see my gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be fresh." His reply..."OK" 15 minutes later he tapped her on the shoulder and asked..."You don't have an appointment with your dentist, do you?"
âHow many U.S. lawyers are required to research and write the first draft of a successful legal brief in a complex case before the United States Supreme Court?â The answer is, ânone!â Lawyers at offshore legal outsourcing companies have already been there, done that.
Jerry The Great! <object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="https://www.youtube.com/v/gWJBfvWjlk0?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="https://www.youtube.com/v/gWJBfvWjlk0?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></object>
I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet. That must have been one powerful distress flare.
Email doin the rounds... "Had a beer with a friend on Saturday afternoon - at his work their hours are supposedly say 8am until 5pm and there's a bloke who turns up 5 minutes before everyone else and tells them he has been there for at least an hour earlier. Therefore he uses that excuse to leave work early every day. So at 4.15pm every day he leaves the office. Everyone knows about this now so instead of allowing Brian to leave the office quietly they all gear up for it and make a massive noise when he leaves the office to say goodbye so he can't sneak off - and this happens EVERY day. He's not too happy about it and has recently complained to HR." <object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8bYNWpWQSTU?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8bYNWpWQSTU?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></object>
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER: When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it f fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors... I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' The doctors says I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.