I walked into the Hotel California the other day and ordered a Jack Daniels and coke. The barman looked at me confused and said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969..."
A gorgeous woman slinks up to a CEO at a party and through moist lips purrs, âIâll do anything - anything - you want. Just tell me what you would like.â With no hesitation, he replies, âReprice my options.â
To Play Golf A retired Scottish Jew has decided that now he is retired, he's going to take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock. Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts. Scot: Aye, so do I. Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts? Scot: Aye, neither do I. Secretary: But you are a Jew? Scot: Aye, I be that. Secretary: So you are circumcised? Scot: Aye, I be that too. Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that. Scot: Ach, away with ya man. Oy!... Look: I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join your golf club!!!
I took a really long time in the bathroom last night taking a shit, and when I got out my wife said to me. "Fucking hell, you were in there for about an hour. How constipated are you?" "That shit was as hard as my dick when I see you naked." I replied "So it was rock hard? That must have hurt" "Are you kidding? I've got diarrhea."
The biggest symptom of radiation poisoning is thyroid cancer. And yet, the best cure for thyroid cancer is more radiation.
Great Math Quiz Just a very short, simple little math calculation you can do in your head. I was amazed at how this accurately identified my favorite movie. I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Have a Great Day!
Ma called. For months she couldn't remember where her Ford stock was but tonight she does. {:>) She said she's going to sell most of it. She's going to be 80 this year, still the guru. lmao. I said "go for it" ( I never tell her what to do). I think she bought it at less than 2 a couple years ago Ps. Imagine being 78 putting on a "buy and hold". Taking some off the table when you're 80. She said "I'm leaving some in for 'pin money'".