I tried that date rape drug on my wife last night. I didn't fuck her though. I just wanted a few fuckin hours of peace and quiet to post on ET.
You got a little Charlie Sheen in you, don't you? Actually, I would have loved to have a couple of porn stars raise me. What a great perspective on life. And bath time would have been, well, special.
Dear god, I have a special offer for you today. Today's special offer is a used Lady Gaga AND a clean, unused Justin Bieber for the whopping price of only ONE George Harrison! That's right god, trade our 2 *cough* most valued artists for only ONE George Harrison! -But wait!- If you bring back George Harrison within the next 30 minutes, you also get a FREE complete and PURE set of the Jonas Brothers with it! *Payment with Visa, MasterCard and PayPal only http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7qpfGVUd8c
Honk If You Love Jesus The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Charlie and his wife, Carolyn, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other..." He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?' Charlie leaned over, touched Carolynâs arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?' And thus began Charlieâs life of celibacy.........
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You are all selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes. -Mitch Hedberg
Today at work I opened the cupboard and the first aid box fell on my head. Hi ma http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-pmpgrYQgs
The other night I met a girl in a nightclub and brought her back to my apartment for a quickie. Just as we were about to get down to business she hesitated saying: "I don't want to be just another notch on your bedpost." "Not to worry", I said as I slipped it in, "I don't count the fat ones."