Negotiation Skills Test The Maid asked for a raise. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?" Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?" Test: How would you answer that one? Remember, you want a raise... Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did." Maria's salary was doubled.
Love Those Italians Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY. You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9', it is presumed his mother had an affair. There were more than 28 people in your bridal party. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. *** And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . . Your grandfather had a fig tree. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve . . only fish. Your mom's meatballs are the best. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you. Clear plastic covers on all the furniture. You know how to pronounce 'manicotti' and 'mozzarella.' You fight over whether it's called 'sauce' or 'gravy.' You've called someone a 'mamaluke.' And you understand 'bada bing'!
Three flys were flying around in a kitchen. Which one was a cowboy? The one on the range! ha ha ha ahahahaha.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face. With both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
now that right there is funny. If you don't think that's funny - well, there's always Politics and Religion. Great one.
They say that a long time ago, a visiting musician in Vienna went through a graveyard and all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so he started searching for the source. He finally located the origin and found that it was coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realized that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it was being played backward! Puzzled, he left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By the time they arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backward. Curious, the men agreed to consult a music scholar. When they returned with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backward. The expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word had spread and a throng had gathered around the grave. They were all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the group asked him if he had an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker said incredulously. "He's is decomposing!"
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.'''' The second guy said, ''''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.'''' The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.'''' Then the first guy said, ''''No -- you guys don''t understand! Chunks is my dog!"