A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
When I first started telling it, it was a CPO on a battle cruise in the Pacific. Yes, it's that old. Don't start, either.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
That one's older than the wooden eye bit. But you know, that's the fun of them. They're just recycled for new listeners. Did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog! I wanted to get this up before Yannis saw it.
I wanted to get this up before Yannis saw it. ........... ............. ahahahahahahah...................... hahahahah..............
A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn't noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. She said, "Where am I going to hide it?" The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left. She said, "But it stinks!" The father replied, "Well, can't you just hold his little nose?"
It was a dark and stormy night before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or pluck yew). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck Yew!" (hahahaha) Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird'