How can you tell if its your turn to do the laundry? Look down your trousers and if you've got a dick it isn't your turn.
They always tell chicks to hand with their ugly fat friends because it makes them look better. Having you here, Nutmeg, makes me look almost normal.
Very Old, But Still Funny Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. The winners are: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7 . Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon: (n .): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. Hoping you are still awake, the Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent. 6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Cheezy R' Us Sailor 's been at sea six months, hits the dock in San Diego. Spots a hooker. Hit's on her. "Oh, Honey, " she says, "I'm on my period. But this is a wooden eye, and it comes out." "Man that's sick." ".....never had a complaint. and I'll go half price." "Ok, Ok. Six monthe at sea. I'm in.." Ectasy, bottle rockets, Sailor says, "Lady, that was unbelievable. I can be here tomorrow night." "Great," she says..... . . . . . . ."I'll keep an eye out for you."
Ha. I've read jokes that I won't post, they are so bad they make me look normal. everything is relative.
You'll be telling that one tonight to your pals over bourbon, while your wife, arms folded, glares at you from across the room. It goes w/the one I put on the first thread, "....you wannem opened, dont you.??"