Jokes 2

Worst Joke Ever?

"Hey man, why is your bike laughing?"
"Well, what'd you expect, it's a Yamahaha!"

 

The ass - kicking you take is inversely proportional to joke output.

Q's down .83 to 53.83

$ trading at three cents, bid two.

 

haha that was the best, you got more?!

 

Looks like an updated & expanded bit of George Carlin's (maybe too expanded, damn it's long):


In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories:

It can be used as a verb, both transitive "John fucked Mary" and intransitive "Mary was fucked by John"

It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb "Mary really doesn’t give a fuck" an adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John" or as a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck"

It can also be used as an adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful" or an interjection "Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary"

It can even be used as a conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she’s also stupid"

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Apart from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."

3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

4. Trouble "I guess I’m fucked now."

5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"

6. Disgust "Fuck me."

7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

8. Difficulty "I don’t understand fucking Maths!"

9. Despair "Fucked again..."

10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn’t be happier."

11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."

13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"

14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

15. Denial "I didn’t fucking do it."

16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."

17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"

20. Panic "Let’s get the fuck out of here."

21. Directions "Fuck off."

22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used...

...in an anatomical description "He’s a fucking asshole."

...to tell time "It’s five fucking thirty."

...in business "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

...maternal "Motherfucker."

...political "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history :

Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?"

General Custer "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

Captain of the Titanic "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"

John Lennon "That’s not a real fucking gun."

Richard Nixon "Who’s gonna fucking find out?"

Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll."

Willard Scott "It’s someone’s 100th fucking birthday today!"

Albert Einstein "Any fucking idiot could understand that."

Picasso "It does so fucking look like her!"

Pythagoras "How the fuck did you work that out?"

Michaelangelo "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"

Walt Disney "Fuck a duck."

Edmund Hilary "Why? Because its fucking there!"

Joan of Arc "I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?"

Donald Trump "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?"

Orville Reddenbacher "Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!"

Jim Lovell (captain of Apollo 13) "Huston, We have a fucking problem!!"

 

That was fucking great!

 

Recently I lost my luggage, I had to go to the lost and found at the airline, and the lady said has my plane landed yet?


13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"

 

A garage owner, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The garageman comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow over the years?”

The garageman shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?”

 

The stock traders marriage was in trouble. With the market always foremost in his mind, he tended to overlook the needs of his wife. The relationship had been strained for some time, but when he forgot their wedding anniversary, she went over the edge.

"If you know what's good for you, tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero-to-200 in two seconds flat!" she screamed.

The next morning she discovered a small package in the driveway. Upon opening the box she found a brand new bathroom scale inside.

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.

On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness,wine coolers, Tab, and Pepsi. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays.

We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.

Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: ' What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day.

Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

 

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Here's 30 (edited)harsh things a woman can say to a naked man.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

14. This explains your car.

17. At least this won't take long.


22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

26. What is that?