On my first day working at the morgue, one of the guys hid under a sheet pretending to be a body. As I moved the trolley, he sat up, scaring the shit out of me. Unfortunately, I was holding a scalpel at the time. On my second day working at the morgue he was under that sheet for real.
I went on a date with this really hot chick yesterday, we had dinner and watched a movie. Then the plane landed.
I walked into a bar last night and I had some jumper cables hanging around my neck. I said: "gimme a beer". The bartender says, "Okay, but don't start anything."
Bond insurer Ambac Financial Group Inc has sued the United States to block a seizure of $700 million of tax refunds that it said could destroy its ability to reorganize in bankruptcy court. That's pretty funny.
The Eager Worker The factory foreman inspected the shipment of sensitive hi-tech electronic equipment leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the manâs shoulder and said, âWell, Joe, I see that you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, âThis Side Up, Handle With Care.â That's good, this stuff is very fragile!â âYes sir,â the worker replied. âAnd just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too...â
While on his Asian trip, President Obama met with a Chinese official and they got into a deep discussion of the history of ethnic struggles in the two countries. President Obama said that he ordinarily didn't even like to talk about them, because he just didn't like to be reminded. So, he requested that they move on to a different subject. Mr Lin Ching agreed to the request.
To my darling husband: Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XXX <img src=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=3007752 P.S. Your girlfriend called while you were away.
I just lost my job from the car wash after a Pakistani asked, "How much for a full wash?" "We only do cars," was apparently not a suitable response.
My wife has been missing now for over a week, and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Salvation Army to get all her clothes back.