Jokes 2

Margaret Thatcher is said to be feeling much better after her stay in hospital.

The management are very surprised since during her stay 27 people have died from what appear to be animal bites and someone stole the contents of the blood bank...

 

Police: boy in custody after 2 joyrides in 2 days
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When asked who his role model was he yelled

ALVIN GREENE FOR SENATE!!!!!

 

The sayings of Bob Hope (1903-2003):

ON TURNING 70: “You still chase women, but only downhill”.

ON TURNING 80: “That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90: “You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100: “I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: “I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.”

ON GOLF: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother!! Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham !!”

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: “That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: “I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

 

Best one....... he relied on writers to a great extend, but this one is his... His daughter asked, when he was 100, "dad, where would you like to be buried. "

He replied, "surprise me!"

 

A great British comedian

 

One Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

 

Do you think dogs get freaked out by people picking up their shit?

 

The Chinese just announced another new green power plant to be constructed.

They just built one, but that's the thing about the Chinese. You think that you'll be satisfied, but you want another one soon after.

 

That's pretty funny.

I can't believe I ate all that chow mein -- hey, look! They brought egg rolls!

 

Have you heard about that Chinese restaurant with the German cook? You eat there and an hour later you feel hungry... ... ... for power!