A dwarf walks into a bar, but on the way in he slips on a big pile of dog shit. He smooths himself down, tries to remain cool and walks to the bar. A few moments later a big hairy biker walks into the bar and slips on the same pile of dog shit. "I just did that" says the dwarf, so the big hairy biker chap punched him in the nose.
Just got a message saying my last post was deleted because it was not a joke... That's the last time I quote Cramer.
How to spot a Republican: A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 dollar bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?. "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
2 women are out playing golf when one of them slices the ball into the group of spectators leaving a bloke doubled up on the ground clutching his balls. She runs over to him and asks if he's ok. "Give it five minutes and I should be ok" She unzips him and starts sucking his cock asking "Is that better?" "Aye" says the bloke "But my thumb still hurts"