One day these two blondes decided to take a trip to the sun. Needing some transportation, they consult a local rocket scientist. "We need a way to get to the sun ASAP", the blondes told the guy. It took about a half-second before the scientist looked at them and said, "There's no way you can go to the sun. It's way too bright and way too hot." Then one of the blondes responded, "Yeah, but we plan on going at night".
Not being able to take his tooth pain any longer, a day trader goes to his dentist to have his problem looked at. "Yep, this tooth will definitely have to come out.", said the dentist. "So that means you have two options for pain. I can give you a shot or I can give you gas." The patient said, "The shot won't happen because I hate needles.... and I can't do gas either because it makes me loopy. I'm a trader with open positions at the moment, so I can't be foggy headed when I leave out of here and get back to my desk." Thinking for a second, the dentist said "Well, there is a third option if you're interested..... Viagra." "Since when is Viagra a pain killer?", the trader asked. "It's not. But it'll damn sure give you something to hold on to when I rip this tooth out."
You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'. 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'. 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
*The Queen's Riddle* Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your Sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be Me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, You idiot! It's David Cameron!" AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
Of course those quotes are phony, nice to see someone with way too much time on their hands. I guess there's not enough bad stuff to say about Obama, have to start making things up. c
Ah, I see Baron has taken the book Advance for the "Jokes of ET, Volume One", and hired a joke writer.
Geez, it's 6:30pm and Tiger hasn't teed off yet at the PGA. Bad weather. I wonder who he did all day?
A guy woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. Next to the bed was a couple of aspirins, a glass of water, and a note from his wife ? ?Honey, there?s a hot breakfast waiting for you in the kitchen. Love, your wife?. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He stumbles into the bathroom and notices a huge black eye. After shaving, he goes to the kitchen, and sees that the hall mirror is broken too. His son is in the kitchen and as he?s eating his huge breakfast the guy asks the son what all this is about. Well, last night you came home drunk off your ass, stumbled into the mirror and hit your head on the doorknob. Mom helped you to bed, and as she?s trying to get your pants off you kicked her away and said ?get off me lady, I?m married?.
A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!