A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"We gather here today to mourn our friend and neighbor Nutmeg........." what happened? Where'd everyone go? Did we retell all the jokes in the universe? Maybe.
Two alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller alligator turned to the bigger one & said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well" said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Gator. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
Great Oldie <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/F4RIBhQIkII"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/F4RIBhQIkII" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>
How I Feel <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qiy4bjvj-ws"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Qiy4bjvj-ws" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>
The meaning of life in thirteen words: "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened."