Why the US is in deep trouble? A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why. 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' "Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.." The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Piece of crap propaganda masquerading as a joke. They are all democrats and one independent. Guess the republicans take the train.
Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, âI heard you were planning to leave me?â She replied, âYes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!â Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, âthat's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
Obama admin bans press from filming BP oil spill areas in the Gulf. ---------------------- meanwhile, back at the ranch. what's up with thoses Yankee's? ps. I suppose there is more newsworthy news. Sure is hot. We need a fresh approach to the three "H's" of summer. Hot hazy and humid. How about Hot humid and hooters. Or Hot humid and herpes. Or Hot humid and "Hoi" Or hot humid and halepeno. OR hot humid and hskanky. Just goofing around since the Fed shut down the oil spill news.
The first Joke thread disappeared in its entirety. I think Baron stole it, and is going to publish it as The ET Joke Book. Wait till he finds out we stole all those jokes before he stole them.
Stunata News: Sir Francis Bacon's bad jokes from 1603 show up on ET...... -------------------------------------- -My Daughter has said the worst thing to me any parent could hear... "Father, This is Pierre!" -Joan of Arc was the bravest French man ever. -I am proud of myself, I haven't plundered any trollops since 1550, that said, it is only just past four of the clock now... -Whilst in Whitechapel, perusing the women of ill-fame, a fellow tapped me upon the shoulder, suggesting I get ripped, I declined when informed it would take up to 4 weeks. -A filthy sodomite was in the bathing house, as seminal fluid rose to the water's surface. Naturally, no-one confessed, as they would be executed, but I suspect the culprit had broken wind. --I was well aware of the quality of a lengthy defacation, As upon completion, Messrs D.F.& S Ltd's sale on chaise-longues had almost ended. -Ghenghis Khan betrothed his daughter to the son of a European royal, promising she would love him "Mong Time" -Some rambunctious busybody woman was speaking out of turn, claiming childbirth to be the most painful thing in the world, I bellowed, "SILENCE, Vile harpy! Thou hast obviously never trodden upon a quill-ink-pot in the middle of the night."
Good news: I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated. Now for the last question on the final exam; How do you plan to make a living with a philosophy degree?
Atlanta Airport You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so polite! Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised." Atlanta Tower: "Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9L.." Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9L. -Allah is Great." Pause... Saudi Air: ATLANTA TOWER- ATLANTA TOWER !" Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511." Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!" Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us."
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's Huge Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge. Show him your BADGE! "