Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's iPhone 4. ---------------------- How does an American chicken cross the road? In a bucket.
Going Out with Your First Love Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Seamus O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet?" Gallagher says. "I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." He goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers. Gallagher says, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
Women think pregnancy is the hardest thing to go through. Try thinking of us guys, when we realise our girlfriends aren't actually pregnant and they just got fat.
I went to my girlfriends parents for dinner after not seeing them for a few months. The mother opens the door and says, 'Well you've got a little chubby'. 'Yeah I have put on a little weight'. 'No, your cock is hanging out'.
Pittsburgh people love to read. They even have bookstores downtown that are open 24 hours a day. If you can't read, they have movies for a quarter.
Knowledge Is Power A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the low fence and bounced off the side of the passing bus, turned 180 degrees, hit a tree square in the middle and came straight in its original direction towards the road, where it hit the rear tire of the same bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, âHow on earth did you do that?â He shrugged his shoulders and smiled: âYou've got to know the bus schedule!â
Don't know, but you know how they knew Michael Jackson was dead? They waved a cub scout under his nose and ....
My Grandad used to say: 'In the old days we could leave our back doors open all the time without fear of being robbed.' That's probably why his submarine sunk.
Geri-hat trick - noun. A frankly rather unappetizing scenario in which a Bus Tour Guide, Bingo Caller, or Rest Home Nightwatchman bags three grannies in one sitting.