I work in a cafe and the other day a customer came in and asked for an 'Irish' Coffee, I wasnt quite sure what he meant so I put a potato and some gun powder in the mug, apparently thats not what he wanted..
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
Bill and Tom were sitting on the dock fishing. Tom turns to Bill and says "So how was your honeymoon?" "Not bad" Bill says. "I did a lot of fishing, you know how I like to fish." "Well didn't you get laid?" Tom asks "Nah, She's got gonorrhea, so I just went fishing. You know how I like to fish" Replied Bill "Did you get a blowjob at least?" asks Tom "Nah, She's got pyorrhea, so I just went fishing. You know how I like to fish." said Bill "Did you roll her over and try the backdoor?" Tom asks "Nah, she's got diarrhea, so I just went fishing. You know how I like to fish." said Bill "If you can't get sex, why in the hell did you marry her for?" Tom asks "Well" says Bill "She's got worms, and you know how I like to fish." __________________
"A diet that consists predominantly of rice leads to the use of opium, just as a diet that consists predominantly of potatoes leads to the use of liquor." Confuscious Nietzsche O'Brien(1844-1900), Potato philospher.
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Yeah?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Canadian Border Problem During Bush Administration The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada intensified during the latter part of the Bush administration, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The "unflinching determination" of the Bush administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and tenaciously agree with Bill O'reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other evening, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "he asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. when I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay." In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. so he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "not real effective," he said. "the liberals still got through, and rush made the cows so patriotic they forgot to give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border for a fee, and then leave them to fend for themselves. "a lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload of them without a drop of drinking water. they did have a nice little Napa valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly about physical retribution from conservatives. rumours have been circulating about the Bush Administration establishing "re-education camps" for returning liberals, in which they will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch videos of old NASCAR races. Liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap, Canadian prescription drugs. After catching half a dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on "the Lawrence Welk show", we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," said an Ottawa resident. "how many art-history majors does one country need, eh?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, vice-president Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador in Washington and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. a source close to Cheney said, "we're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. and we might even put some endangered species on our postage stamps. We want to make the as comfortable as possible as we take them off welfare."