Jokes 2

I think my efforts to cut down on using cliches are going well.

I'm just taking each day as it comes and giving it 110%

 

I paid three grand for my wife to have a boob job - she was happy.

I paid four grand for her to have a nose job - she was delighted.

I treat myself to a $30 hand job at the local brothel - and she goes mad.

 

A man walks in to a library and asks for a book called, 'Running for the bus'

The librarian said, 'Who's it by?'

The man said,' Its written by Willy Makeit'

 

Don't forget to keep your shoulder to the ground and your ear to the grindstone.

Not that I ever understood that advice. . .

 

And nothing closes those ear-lids quicker than a cliché.

 

Ghost written by Betty Don't.

 

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
"Excuse me, but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am," he said.

The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."

To which the balloonist replied:
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"

The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded: "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

Batting practice will no longer be referred to as "BP".

I can hardly keep up with all the improvements going on in the world. [sarcasm]

Agency failure - new name. Continued failure - name not long enough.

 

What's the smallest part in a BMW?

The driver's dick.

Present company excluded of course, lol.

(We are all BSD) and even today listening to the LBJ transcripts, he had a nut sack problem with his Haggar pants.

 

So yea, I wanted to be a chef but that didnt pan out, so I decided I wanted to be an astrologer but there wasnt enough scope.

I quite fancied the idea of being a photographer, but I didnt have the focus. I certainly didnt have the guts to be an organ donor and the art class I took failed so I had to go back to the drawing board.

I tried to be a plumber; that sucked. Boy trying to become an electrician was a bit of a shock so I tried being a blood donor, but that was all in vein

So yeah my career is still a work in progress.