Some Sensible Observations 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan " --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken --Unknown, presumed deceased 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?
I'll pay you one of the highest compliments I've ever gotten. My wife's cousin, after visiting for a few days, not havent' seen me since I was in a Corporate environment said , "He's kinda out there, isn't he? First thing I thought of when I saw Dog Haiku. Welcome to my world. Other men fantasize about cars, women...... I want to go back in time, and play cards at the Friars' Club with George, Jack, Groucho, Henny. Dog Haiku... Whew. Overwhelming.
It all started in elementary school. Study this study that, do this, do that, I'm just a little kid how in the hell am I going to get through life? Then someone gave me a MAD magazine for my birthday.
Big Mad fan here. God I loved those. Do you remember the record they made, "it's a Gas"? Groundbreaking stuff for 1960. better throw a joke in here, or we'll get yelled at by that ex Ford engineer. Beggar says to a man "Pal, have you got money for a cup a coffee?" "Nope. But don't worry about me. I"ll be fine."
Gay guy goes to the Proctologist. Says, "Doc, I feel this tug in my loins. It hurts when I walk." Doc uses his brown Probe and exclaims, "my Gawd, Man! There's a red rose in your anal cavity." "Well!!!???? Read the card! Read the card!"