New Direction For Any War by a Former Soldier I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, Iâm cold, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some one that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical you know what.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million angry old dudes with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ......with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
A man wants to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says, "Let's put, 'you are not getting older you are getting better'". The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?" The man says, "Well, put 'You are not getting older', at the top and 'You are getting better' at the bottom". The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom".
Authorities are worried the Gulf oil could mix with the tanning oil from the "Jersey Shore" cast and kill everything in its path. YouTube is enjoying its 5 year anniversary with amazing success. It has 2 billion daily downloads. The only other tube that loads more is the mile-long tube by BP. British Petroleum has successfully sucked out some oil, through a narrow tube.They are calling it...............Project Lewinsky Despite recent setbacks to controlling the massive Gulf oil leak, BP says it engineers are hard at work and wont rest until they've explored every possible solution that wont work. There's so much sludge in the water in the Gulf region that a Cuban refugee was spotted walking to Florida.
Would solve the old age pension and health care problem too, if they were decent enough to get shot dead. Not wounded tho !! Coming to think of it - it might even pay to slip some spare ammo to the Taliban in case they run short. The over 50s women could be dropped in by parachute. Well minus the parachute perhaps if the pollies are going to save up for their mega pensions
Coming to think of it hows about the pollies on a one way ticket over Afghanistan too. The budget just might stretch to a 1 page instruction course on free fall. Could read it up on the way down
The teacher asked our class one day, "Let's think about what different ways animals travel in. Like a flock of sheep?" So some of the kids get the gist of this with answers like "pack of wolves miss" etc. Nutmeg then put's his hand up, "eh miss, a dose of the crabs?"