Jokes 2

Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite Beer than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jack off from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever, Socks!!!!!!.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

 

Sex is the most practical and fun way to lose weight. See how many calories are lost in each 'activity'.

* Remove clothing
With her consent .............. 12 cal
Without her consent ............... 187 cal

* OPEN BRA
With two hands ........................... 8 cal
With one hand ................................ 12 cal
With mouth ................................... 85 cal

* PLACE THE CONDOM
With an erection .................................. 6 cal
Without erection............................... 315 cal

* FORPLAY
Trying to find the clitoris ............ 8 cal
Trying to find the G.spot ............. 92 cal

* POSITIONS
Missionary .................................. 12 cal
69 laying.................................. 78 cal
69 standing ................................... 112 cal
Wheel barrel .................................. 216 cal
On all fours ............................... 326 cal
Italian chandelier........................ 912 cal (haven't seen this one)

* Having an orgasm
Real ....................................... 112 cal
False ..................................... 315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed hugging ................... 18 cal
Getting out of bed soon ..................... 36 cal
Explaining why............................. .. 816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
If you are:
20 to 29 years ................................. 36 cal
30 to 39 years ................................. 80 cal
40 to 49 years .............................. 124 cal
50 to 59 years ............................... 972 cal
60 to 70 years .............................. cal 2916
over 70 years ......... there is no information, volunteers died trying.

* GETTING DRESSED
With Calm ....................................... 32 cal
In a hurry to get out ............................ 98 cal
With her father knocking at the door ..... 1218 cal
With your wife knocking at the door ............. 3521 cal

 

Bill was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the swine, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

"You may as well know that I am in love with her and I would like to marry her." the man answered calmly, "I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her."

"Okay," replied Bill, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point as well?"

 

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jack off from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
--------------------------------------

I know you guys won't believe me but I read a DOT study on that subject. On the freeway when there are lane closures and traffic has to merge into one or two lanes, merging at the last chance from the closed lane, traffic actually moves faster, than if everyone got into the proper lane ahead of time.

Point being, I could be the jack off in the interest of improving traffic flow.

p.s. There has been a few truckers who have gotten a ticket for obstructing traffic in that way, doesn't seem fair.

 

This is more cute than funny and should bring a smile to your face. The kid is a rocker and really starts smokin' about 2 minutes in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJG9Tol1a0U

 

Question: Which 5 mile stretch of road has more cars?

The one with a 40 mph speed limit?

Or the one with a 70 mph speed limit?

It's the 40mph because the cars are closer together.

The 70 will move more cars per interval (hour, etc.) but the 40mph has more cars on it.

 

Big brother is watching.

I googled traffic jokes and I got a pop up:

Invest Natural Gas: MNLU
Hot Junior Mainland Resources Inc. Hits Pay Dirt On First Drilled Well
www.energymv.com



Disclaimer:

I never heard of MNLU but might be a sign.

See ya later................

 

The Wise Farmer

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand, dig them all out, save the livestock.

“It must have been terrible,” said the government man to the thoughtful old farmer. “All that snow.”

“Could've been worse,” calmly answered the old timer, smoking his hand-made pipe. “My neighbor had more snow than me.”

“How’s that?”

“More land!”

 

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg agreed the Times Square car bombing was likely “homegrown” as he proceeded, in an interview excerpt run on Monday's CBS Evening News, to speculate it could have been placed by

“somebody with a political agenda who doesn't like the health care bill or something. It could be anything.”

------------------

 

Another Great Oldie: Pearls Of Wisdom

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai. Looking up, he calls, "Lord, what does a million years mean to you?"
An angel replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The angel replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
"Sure... Just wait a minute."

-------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
"I do!"

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. I now understand her and how she thinks, what she's prepared to do... You want my advice?"
"Yes!"
"Take the poison..."