"California, for example, dedicated $24.7 million to the Census 2000 campaign. Although an undercount could cost the state billions in federal funding and a Congressional seat, this year's outreach budget is only $2 million." lmao ---------------------- So this census worker drives way back into the woods, then hikes a mile to a rural rundown shack. The old man on the porch picks up his rifle and points it at the census worker "What do you want?" "I'm from the census bureau and I'm here to find out how many people live in the United States." The old man says "I don't know why you would come all the way back here to ask me, because I don't know".
I heard something funny. Called my daughter yesterday, she said me and my boyfriend are watching a movie, we rented "Jaws". I said me and your mom were going to rent "King Kong". She didn't get the joke.
My mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my t-shirt this morning, she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it..........see Jane it obviously doesn't taste that bad.
I told my family they could find pictures of my new girlfriend on the internet. Just type in her name in google search. They said they couldn't find it. I told them they needed to change preferences to unfiltered.
A Good Oldie If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius... (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Democrat ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." -- Dan Quayle, Republican ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
To hide my shame going through the new airport scanners, I've moulded myself a prosthetic penis extension out of hash.
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