A true classic: Mrs. Jacobson went to the gynecologist for a checkup. After the exam, the Dr. pronounced, "you have the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!" "Thank you," she said. "I got a shvartzeh comes in once a week."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a âHonk if you love Jesusâ bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Iwas stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans"
Ba da dum!!! Jewish culture insists you do not turn away a fellow Jew who is in need. A knock comes to the Heckstein's . Its a beggar who despartely wants something to eat. "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. Could you possible give me something to eat?" "I haven't got much," said the Lady of the House. Would yo like mayber some noodle soup left from the night before?" "That would be truly wonderful." "Good", she says, "come back tomorrow."
DEFECTIVE PARROT A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot? The parrot says, I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot. Holy crap, the guy replies. You actually understood and answered me! I got every word, says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird. Oh yeah? The guy asks, Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet? Well, the parrot says, this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers. Wow, says the guy. You really can Understand and speak English can't you? Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion. The guy looks at the $2000 price tag. Sorry, but I just can't afford that. Pssssssst, says the parrot, I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer! The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman. What are you talking about asks the guy. When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie. WHAT??? the guy asks incredulously. THEN what happened? Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over, reported the parrot. NO he exclaims. And she let him? Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... Then the frantic guy demands, THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, you didn't like the parrot joke, but you liked the thinking man's yarn? Are you going soft on m....let me rephrase that. Are you becoming a more caring, sensitive man, who still dresses in women's clothing.???
Another Great Oldie The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy rolled his eyes, sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Oookayyy, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Yannis, I have been meaning to ask you this for a very long time.... How old are you? if you don't mind me asking. Just curious.