Bond market will be open, for the first time in its history tho. not meant for the joke thread - but it was on my mind.
So some dude buys the cheapest new car ($2500 brand spanken new) on the planet and is driving it home from the showroom when. . . <IMG SRC=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=2788560> http://www.freep.com/article/20100328/BUSINESS01/3280500/1002/rss02
"nobody ever said on their deathbed, I wish i'd spent more time at the office," Damn, I should have spent more time working and less time with my ungrateful kids and the wife who left me for a more successful guy.
One Of Victor Borge's Classics: "You see my watch? .. nice, right?... from my uncle Sol ... $20 ... on his deathbed..."
Good Old Victor <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/BcV19rylSZc"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/BcV19rylSZc" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object> <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MuWUp1M-vuM"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MuWUp1M-vuM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object> <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rczpLa8wuhA"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rczpLa8wuhA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object> <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/NZaLo0JfT6E"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/NZaLo0JfT6E" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>
Two women are on a golf course. The first woman swings, and lets go of the club, hitting the second in the face. She runs over to the clubhouse shouting "Help! My friend has been hurt!" A member of staff asks "Where abouts?" "Between the first and second holes," she replies. "Well, that doesn't leave much room for a cast."
These three strings want to go to a bar but the bartender doesn't allow strings inside. They decide to go for it. The first string goes in, sits down and orders a soda. The bartender says "are you a string?" and he says "yes, i'm sorry" and leaves. The 2nd string decided to be a little more sly. He goes in, sits at the end of the bar in the smoke and shadows, but the bartender sees him and throws him out too. The 3rd string has a plan. He ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair and goes in. He sits down right in the middle of the bar, looks the bartender in the eye and orders a soda. The bartender says "no way, aren't you a string????" and the 3rd string says "nope, i'm a freyed knot."
I was born with five penises (peni?). My parents told me later they were very upset, and went into hock for the elective surgery. They left the biggest one, and I went on with life, quite happily, as a matter of fact. Several years ago, I was being fitted for a tux, and the tailor asked if I dressed right or left, and I mentioned the birth defect I overcame. He remarked another of his customers had come in for a tux fitting, and that he too was born with my affliction. But he told me the man's parent couldn't afford the surgery, and that this late in life, no way was he going through that pain. The man still had all five penises. "My God, man", I remarked to the tailor. "Five penises!!! Five!!! How did his Tux fit?" "Like a glove, Sir. Like a glove."
The Good Wife One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wifeâs car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!! He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel. She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do all day?" "Yes", he replied reluctantly. "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"