At The Limit The convention breaks for the day and a bunch of thirsty mathematicians pour into the nearest watering hole. The first guy orders a pitcher of beer. The second wanted half a pitcher, the third asked for a quarter, then an eighth, and so on. The barman plops two pitchers on the counter and mutters: "idiots!"
The Mother's Feelings Winston Churchill once famously commented that his critics reminded him of a story about a sailor who jumped into the stormy sea to rescue a small boy from drowning. About a week later this sailor was accosted by a woman who asked, "Are you the man who picked my son out of the water the other night?" The sailor replied modestly that he was. "Ah," said the woman with real feeling as she approached the heroic sailor, "you are the man I am looking for. Where is his cap?"
Sort of tying two of your jokes together, did you know that you should never fly with a statistician? You see, he might bring a bomb, because while the odds that there is one bomb on a plane is small, the odds of two are even smaller. . .
Last night my wife said that she was thinking about moving. I said "Well don't think about it, just move, I'm trying to get a beer out of the fucking fridge".
I went to an Alzheimers protest march last week. They were shouting: "What do we want?" "Want what?" "When do we want it?" Who knows?".