The Good Doctor A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the townâs grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?" The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43." Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells, shaking from head to toe. "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..." Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith let out a scream and fled the office.
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "D'you know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?" "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school
While walking through a San Francisco park a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked a round behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake."
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
Little Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billyraised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So Jon and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?" Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." This might explain why men are so unwilling to let go of it.
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As usual, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!" Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...."