Jokes 2

Ok. You see "people who hadn't seen the joke yet. Homeland Security." a bit on being watched by Govt.. aw, never mind.

 

You guys are in luck. I was moving my office and found two old Yiddish joke books. It's absolutely the best stuff in the world.

Unfortunately, I gave many away to old Yiddish guys. I made them read the jokes to me in a dialect, and then I'd give them the books. But they were great. I posted this a long time ago, but it's one of my faves, and I think you newguys will like it, and if Homeland Se........... forget it.

Mr. Moscowitz comes home from the Doctor with some horrible news. He has an illness that could become terminal, that is, unless he can come up with source for human mother's milk. He says to Sadie, " vat am I gonna do? Ver am I goink to get mamas' milk???" ( Be sure to use a dialect, esp for the punch line).

His wife says, "Ms. Gimelstob,upstairs in 3b. She's got a new baby, and I hear she's always late on her rent. You should go upstairs and see if a deal you can cut!!! I won't mind."

Hat in hand, Moscowitz trudges up the stairs, hat in hand humbly knocks on the door. An attractive women, mid twenties, answers the door, and Moscowitz explains his plight.

She tells him she is alone, and she does need the money, and they strike a deal. She sits on the couch, opens her robe, and offers the extemely fortunate neighbor a breast.

As Moscowitz suckles, Ms. Gimelstob, alone for quite a while now, becomes aroused.

She purrs to Moscowitz, "Mr. Moscowitz, is there anything else you'd like.?!!????!!"

Moscowitz peeks around the mammary, raises his eyebrows and says.......

"Maybe a cookie!"

 

"Maybe a cookie"

To which Ms gimbleslob replies, "I have some cookies but I'm saving them for the funeral"

 

THE INTERVIEW
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Oh that!," replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...."

 

that one was Italian, and Anisette cookies, if I remember correctly.

 

Native American Groaner

So this guy comes up to me and yells, "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam..."

And I said to him: "Calm down, friend, you are two tents!"

 

Happy Haloween

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MvkT26nZseE&mode=related&search=

 

The Cheap Cure

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never left. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

 

One day, there was this Indian, whose name "Biakoda (power of the moon) but is pronounced "Bowels".

One day, he recieved a letter from the government saying that if he didn’t move his teepee it would be mowed over, for the government had plans to build a road that went right over his teepee.

Naturally this pissed him off, so he marched into town to complain. When he got to town he walked into a building he thought was a government office, but was actually a pharmacy.

He went right up to the lady at the desk and declared, "Bowels no move!", meaning that he would not move his teepee. The clerk, thinking he was constipated, gave him a laxative and sent him home.

The next day he came back and said, "Bowels no move!" The clerk gave him a stronger laxative and sent him home. This happened two more times over two days, each time the clerk giving Bowels a stronger laxative.

The 5th day, he came back very weak and much thinner, and he said to the clerk in a tired and defeated voice, "You win... Bowels move now... teepee full of shit."