A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "It's my day off."
I received an accidental text yesterday, it said: Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave. Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted back: Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt & I have been fucking your brother. I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came: You ok mom?
Some bitch just came up to me and said, 'your hair is receding faster than our economy' to which I replied, 'well, your waistline is expanding faster than our gross national debt you fat cunt.' Apparently that's not the way to talk economics to your wife. Stay tuned.....:eek:
God is worn out, so he tells St. Peter: "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions about where I might go?" St. Peter thinks, and then says: "How about Jupiter? It's nice this time of year." God says: "No, too much gravity on Jupiter. It hurts my back." St. Peter says: "OK, how about Mercury?" God says: "No way! It's way too hot for me on Mercury." St. Peter exclaims: "I know! How about going to Earth for your vacation?" God says: "Are you kidding? I went there 2,000 years ago, had an affair with some Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it!"
Very Cool Cars http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/ http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/with/2346008881/
AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM... I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012.. HERE IS MY PLATFORM: (1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can. (2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country.. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here! (3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here. (4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens. (5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it. (6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades. (7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life. (8). Crime -- We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc. (9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil. (10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause. (11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress. (12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc. My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes .... nevertheless.... GOD BLESS AMERICA ! Sincerely, Bill Cosby