Jokes 2

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’


80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ‘I outlived the bitches.’

 

I asked Mrs Neely if she's worried about getting alzheimers.

She said "nope, it only affects old people and I'm 28"

 

My spoon is too big.

 

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

 

You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people came to my house.

 

Monsignor Burke got a free pass to play a round of golf at a private country club, problem was he had to tee off at 7:30 a.m on Sunday. He tells Father Doyle he has to drive 75 miles to administer the last rites to a dying woman, an old friend, and asks if he'll say all the masses today,Doyle agrees and off goes the Monsignor. He tees off alone in the 7:30 time slot as scheduled. St Peter and Jesus are sitting on a cloud watching him play, when Pete say's this is blasphemy ,he lied to Doyle, he shirked all his responsibilities ,.let down all his parishioners, and on the Lord's day to boot. Jesus say's I wouldn't worry about it , he's a pretty good golfer don't you think. All the sudden he makes a hole in one on the 14th and Pete starts screaming,,aren't you going to do anything, Jesus replies, relax, , who's he gonna tell

 

I went on to a Chinese mail order bride site.

There was one picture, and it said "We currently have 2,345 in stock."

 

Akio Toyoda, "I apologize from the bottom of my heart for all the concern that we have given to so many customers at times like this we really have to stand behind Toyota, after all, you sure as fuck wouldn't want to stand in front of one.

 

I am starting to like Bollywood movies.
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Jim Cramers sound board. Total crack up, I had no idea this was out there. Turn up your speakers. I'm going to use this on my wife when she stalks me in my office.

http://www.cnbc.com/id/18724672/site/14081545/