I loved a similiar quote from George Best ( one of the greats of soccer ) where he said something like I spent loads of money on women and drink and wasted the rest
Golfing for Hand Jobs A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am.".....The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear he says softly, "Well, wash your hands really good, because I want a cheeseburger."
I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I called them today to check the time. It's fucking ten to one.
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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous the other day and stood up and said, "I have a gambling problem." Another guy stood up and said, "I think you want Gamblers Anonymous." So I said, "you're probably right, I'm so drunk I don't know where I am."
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "how much do you charge?" The hooker replies, "it starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." The guy says, "what the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "you own the whole city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!"
At The Restroom I was barely sitting down, when I heard a voice from the next stall saying: 'Hi, How are you?" Now I'm not the type to get into a restroom conversation, so I don't know what made me answer, but I did, somewhat embarrassed, say, 'Doing just fine.' And the other person says: 'What are you up too?' What the heck kind of question is that? But I say: 'Uhhh. Just taking care of business.' Now I'm just trying to get out of there as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?' Wow! Weird! To politely end the coversation I say: 'No...I'm a little busy right now!!!' Then I hear the person nervously say: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
A Good Oldie: The Laws Of Ultimate Reality Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Wilsonâs Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.