Sometimes, I put clothes in the wash that I never wear. I like to give my wife a break from the monotony of always washing dirty clothes, like a little holiday.
Sometimes I think me and the wife got married too quickly. But the priest had the shits, so you can't blame him for rushing the service.
Arab butt-bomber arrested Jan 08, 2010 - Kansas City An American Airlines flight en-route from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City was diverted to Kansas City yesterday when someone noticed a passenger attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum. Flight Attendant Bunny Haggarty said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat leaning forward and holding a cigarette lighter behind his legs. "I thought he was just trying to light a fart," said Haggarty, "like our pilots are always doing on layovers. Then I saw this string-like thing hanging from his ass and got scared." Haggarty immediately called for assistance. Several passengers subdued the man before he was able to light the fuse. After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the man's intestines were stuffed with military grade C4 explosive. FBI agents stated that it would have been a catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in lighting the fuse. The passenger, Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from various countries throughout the Middle East. Asked why he'd stuffed himself full of plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the chit out of the plane. I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we are a peace loving pipple." Several airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he boarded American flight 90. They were a bit concerned because his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a checkered Pizza Hut tablecloth as a hat, looked like he was ready to kill someone, he was reading an Al Quaeda training manual and he was wearing a "F**K America" tee-shirt. According to current Federal Airport Security standards, however, individuals cannot be profiled for additional security checks simply because they are young, Middle-Eastern men. The security supervisor, Latisha Jackson, said she was somewhat concerned with the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, man, the guy waddled like he had a stick of dynamite up his ass! Had I not been on the phone with my probation officer, I might have checked this guy out some more. But, we want and need complete diversity in our passenger screening," stated Jackson. "Plus, we think flight crews on those planes pose more of a threat to safety than one rag head with an exploding ass. That's why you can always find one of them pilots in bare feet waiting for his shoes to be x-rayed. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that," she guffawed, adding, "I just hope they don't give those guys guns, 'cause they might want to even the score." Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a "butt bomb." Security experts believe this could be even more difficult to detect than the primitive "shoe bomb" used by terrorist Richard Reid. "I'm not sure how we're going to check for butt bombs," stated Jackson. "We don't have technology to do it, but we've got to check somehow in the interest of safety," adding, "I think we should start with the flight crews first." -- All rights reserved; all wrongs revenged.
Sometimes, I walked up to a girl in a club and say 'Haven't I seen you someplace before?' Response: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
I remember when I was a kid, I was at a family dinner. There was this huge chocolate cake for dessert. I couldn't take my eyes off it. My Grandad saw me and said, "go on, no-one's looking." I said, "are you sure?" "Course I'm sure," he replied. So I whacked him in the mouth.
The US have sent $100 million, an aircraft carrier, helicopters and 5000 troops to Haiti. I didn't even know there was oil there.
The guy my daughter is dating thought Teflon was on the periodic table of elements. I said "Spotty (that's my dogs name) bite him in the nuts."
I remember my first date, sitting with the parents while my date got ready. I was so nervous I had developed quite a potent case of gas on the way over and I was ready to explode. So I tried to sneak a fart out during conversation and I . . .err. . . blew it. Everybody could hear it. Then my date's mother says "Spot" to the dog at my feet. Boy, was I relieved to hear the dog get blamed for my indiscretion. A couple minutes later, I had another, larger one to process and I tried to keep it as quiet as I could. But it was pretty loud. "Spot!" Yelled the mother. And I was happy as a clam. Well, a few more minutes and my date would be about ready, I figured. And I have one more to blow before I was thoroughly ventilated. So I let the last one rip, no holding back. Hoochie Momma! My eyes started to water. Sure enough, the mother was glaring at the dog. "Spot! God damn it, get over here before he shits on you!" It was never meant to be, I guess.
I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week. I'm not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.