My father, an avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'" My father replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?', 'Who am I going to screw next?' and 'Can I run fast enough to get away?' They are very much like the French."
I was on my way home from a party in a taxi, and the driver obviously new to the area, asked, 'Best way to go home?' My helpful suggestion, 'Plane to Pakistan' wasn't received very well.
It's only lunchtime and I've already broken 2 of my resolutions. At least the third is safe until I find a goat.
"Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour." I only burn 15 calories then.
While I was asleep, my girlfriend decided to wake me by giving me head. According to her, me mumbling, 'Dad not now' wasn't the reaction she was looking for. I am now single and in therapy
I went to the store on New Years Eve day to get ready for the big night. Picked out a five pack of condoms and walked up to the register to ask about the price. "Those are $7.95 plus tax," said the pretty cashier. "Plus tacks!" I said. "Don't they stay on by themselves?!"
Have you ever noticed when you saying something sensible when you're drunk it comes out all garbled but anything stupid that would be a big problem later like "I want to fuck your wife" comes out perfect?
My wife asked me to make love to her like it was the first time again. So we went to lovers lane. I couldnât get it up then came in my pants and drove home in tears. I didnât realise she meant our first time.
Christ in Triplicate Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put three people who all claimed to be God in the same room with one and other? No itâs not like in terminator when you touch your past or future self â the universe wonât collapse in on itself. In fact when psychologist Milton Rokeach did exactly that, back in 1959, very little did happen besides god getting very confused, all three of him that is. Of course the three lunatics werenât all God, that would just be silly. One claimed to be God, another claimed to have made God (and that this was clearly documented on his birth certificate). The third claimed to be none other than Jesus of Nazareth, although he was of no relation to the men claiming to be his father and grandfather (in fact heâd never met them before). The point of this experiment was to discover what would happen when the men were confronted with the apparent paradox. Would it cause them to question their identities and lead them to a cure? It had happened before. Two Jesuses had met in a lunatic asylum and cured each other, the same had happened with two Virgin Marys (although youâd think theyâd realize that one of them could still be the real thing). Unfortunately, none of the three generations of God that Rokeach introduced to one another were cured by the experience. One later decided to change his name to Dr Righteous Idealed Dung, much to the consternation of his wife, who was a figment of his imagination. Rokeach then began sending letters to R.I Dung under his imaginary wifeâs name. In these letters the imagined Mrs Dung insisted that it was she who was the one true God. R.I Dung decided that it was best to agree with her. The other two men were never cured of their identity problem. They were perfectly happy to live in peace with one and other, despite their obvious philosophical differences.