Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China . * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
Just a thought. I realize that peanut oil is made from peanuts, corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives. So, what the heck is baby oil made from?
Remember the first stimulus check back in the Bush days? The $300/ 600 gift? That money went for on line porn subscriptions. The porn industry had no other reason to account for the increased sales except for the timing of the checks.
Why is it that new air fresheners have to be plugged in to give off a smell. Can't they use the same technology as in dog shit?
My wife has decided her New Years Resolution is to 'be a happier person'. She told me, "I'm not going to get angry about the small things anymore, I'm just going to let things go and be happy!" So my New Years Resolution is to watch more football, leave the toilet seat up, and fart more.
Drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
Happiness is when you have all the girls in an inner circle and all the blokes in the outer circle. They rotate until the music stops and you are opposite the most gorgeous person ever. Not sure it works so well for gays tho