Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. If there's one thing this week has taught us, it's that Italians have better aim than Iraqis.
     
    #6131     Dec 14, 2009
  2. Lucrum

    Lucrum

    Paddy has broken his leg
    and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
    Mick says, "How you doin?"
    "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers,
    mee feet are freezing."
    Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

    He says, "Your dad's sent me up here
    to have sex with both of you."
    They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

    Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
     
    #6132     Dec 15, 2009
  3. Italian guy says - Whaen i finish a making love to a-my girlfriend, i go down and tickle the back of her knees, she floats six inches above a-da bed in ecstacy.

    French guy says - Zat is nothing, when i finish with ze girl, ah kiss her all the way down her body and zen lick the soles of her feet, she float 12 inches bove ze bed in ecstacy.

    Irishman says- Dats nuttin. When i'm finished riding me burd, i get out of bed, wipe me knob on the curtain, she fuckin' hits the roof!
     
    #6133     Dec 15, 2009
  4. Little old lady at US immigration.
    OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?
    (Pause for thought)
    LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
     
    #6134     Dec 15, 2009
  5. An ex-prostitute is getting married. As the couple get into the Honeymoon bed she starts to worry about the size of her well-worn cunt.

    She tells her new hubby she "caught it on a fence".

    After an hour in bed with her, he asks "Just how far across the fucking field were you before you realised you got it caught?".
     
    #6135     Dec 15, 2009
  6. 98% of Americans say "OH SHIT" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

    The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"
     
    #6136     Dec 15, 2009
  7. Yannis

    Yannis

    A Cute Oldie

    1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
    -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
    -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
    2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
    Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
    3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
    You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
    4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
    Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
    5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
    -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
    -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
    6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
    -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
    -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --- Curt, age 7
    -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --- Howard, age 8
    7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
    It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
    8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
    There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
    And the #1 Favorite is .........
    9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
    Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

    :) :) :)
     
    #6137     Dec 15, 2009
  8. fhl

    fhl

    REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helllooo,...........just because I' m blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.

    I bet he felt like an idiot.
     
    #6138     Dec 15, 2009
  9. It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

    The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
    Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln".
    The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
    The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.
    The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

    Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
    The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
     
    #6139     Dec 15, 2009
  10. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said,

    "Jesus knows you're here."

    The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin. He clicked his flashlight off and froze.

    When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

    "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. His flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    "Aawwwk."

    "Aawwwk."

    "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

    The burglar relaxed.

    "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
     
    #6140     Dec 15, 2009