Jokes 2

Best sentence ever written in Braille?

"Caution Wet Paint"

 

It was just a matter of time...
http://www.break.com/index/leaked-tiger-woods-mistress-sex-tape.html

 

Judging from what MY cheap thesaurus says, maybe you also feel despondent, dejected, forlorn, sorrowfull and perhaps a tad melancholic too... you grouchy moaner you...

 

Thesaurus, n. A dinosaur that studies words.

 

golf, dictionary... here you go:

This businessman travels to Japan to find new markets. He feels alone at his hotel room, so he calls a call-girl for the night. During the events the Japanese girl exclaims 'machigau ana!, machigau ana!' The guy doesn't know Japanese, and he is definitely not in the mood for picking up a dictionary. But since the girl doesn't stop yelling, he concludes that she wants to express her fascination this way.

Next day the businessman meets up with his Japanese business partners and they go golfing in the afternoon. The Japanese guy hits a hole-in-one, so the businessman wants to compliment him on a great shot with his newly acquired knowledge: 'machigau ana!'

The Japanese guy turns around baffled:
"What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"

 

Blonde Christmas stamps:

 

I'm going to go do that, take a video with my phone and post it on youtube!!

 

A doctor eats an apple thus creating a paradox.

 

Nutmeg you putz. So could two doctors.

 

15 things my mother taught me:

1 – APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside; I’ve just finished cleaning!"

2 – RELIGION: "You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3 – TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4 – LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why!"

5 – FORESIGHT: "Make sure you‘ve got clean underwear on in case you're in an accident."

6 – IRONY: "Stop whining or I'll give you something to whine about."

7 – OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your dinner."

8 – CONTORTION: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck."

9 – STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

10 – TERRORISM: "Your room looks like a bomb’s hit it."

11 – SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

12 – OXYMORONS: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times; don't exaggerate."

13 – THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into the world, and I can take you out."

14 – IMPROVEMENT BY EXAMPLE: "Stop acting like your father."

15 – ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have parents as good as yours!"