Jokes 2

I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.

The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."

 

Religious Education

Recently, Catholic children in New York were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible have not been corrected thus the incorrect spelling is their own:

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
20. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

hilarious photofits...

http://timesonline.typepad.com/comment/2009/11/the-worlds-worst-photofits.html

 

Cost of a candle lit dinner for 2: $100

Cost for theatre show tickets: $150

Cab fair home: $30

The look on his face when you tell him your on your period: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.

For Everything else, theres Anal.

 

I wonder what fish smelled like before women started swimming??

 

haha awesome, my local station. I saw that real time - almost shit myself.

 

Eating carrots makes you see in the dark.

Masturbating makes you blind.

Do both and it's like you're always wearing night vision goggles.

 

I was going to buy some cigars today, thought about Salinger telling jokes about Cuban cigar.
Did a quick youtube search... here you go.


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LOL Funny stuff...

 

Famous Insults

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure
Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. If you have one.
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

... followed by Churchill's response:

Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.
Winston Churchill

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” To which Winston replied, “Madam if I were your husband I would gladly drink it!”

Lady Astor also once remarked to Winston Churchill at another Dinner Party, “Sir Winston, you're drunk!”
To which, Winston replied, “Yes, Madam, I am. And you're ugly! But, in the morning, I will be sober!!”