Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. RomanS


    There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

    She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"

    He said, "Why, yes I am!"

    So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.

    When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
    #51     May 10, 2007
  2. "There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.

    The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."

    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out."

    She rolled her eyes at him.

    He rolled them back.
    #52     May 11, 2007
  3. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Bush is one. Matt Davis has one but is afraid to use it. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very,very proud of his. Strickland uses his all the time. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Mrs. Brian Allen use hers on Mr. Brian Allen.

    What is it??

    A last name.
    #53     May 11, 2007
    Robby Luca likes this.
  4. This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service
    being what it is today.

    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
    A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
    Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
    Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
    Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
    Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
    Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
    Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
    (I really liked this part!!!!)
    Citibank: "Excuse me?"
    Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you the part about her being dead?"
    Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)Supervisor gets on the phone:
    Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
    Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
    Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
    Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
    Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
    Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
    Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given). After they get the fax:
    Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
    Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
    Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)
    Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?" Citibank: "That might help."
    Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
    Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
    Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
    #54     May 11, 2007
    CSEtrader likes this.
  5. I can just picture a process server standing at her tombstone with 2 fingers in his ass wondering what to do next. Probably would leave a delivery attempt notice on the stone.
    #55     May 11, 2007
  6. wabrew


    Why did God make mothers?
    These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?
    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?
    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?
    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
    the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
    string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your mom?
    1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
    drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

    Why did your mom marry your dad?
    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom eats a lot
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?
    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspe ction. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

    What's the difference between moms and dads?
    1. Moms work at work and work at home a nd dads just go to work at work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
    at's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your mom do in her spare time?
    1. Mothers don't do spare time,
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bill s all day

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?
    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
    Plastic surgery
    2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
    of that.
    2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
    did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
    #56     May 11, 2007
  7. A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
    Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this ISn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.

    A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
    #57     May 13, 2007
  8. Yannis


    Fun With The English Language

    We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

    One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese

    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

    If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.

    Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

    We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

    If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

    We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

    We have noses that run and feet that smell. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

    So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop?

    And that is just the beginning--even though this is the end.
    #58     May 13, 2007
  9. Lucrum


    Hillary Clinton has a new bumper sticker that is appropriate whether
    Democrat or Republican. It says, "Run, Hillary, Run".
    Democrats put it in the back...Republicans put it in the front.
    #59     May 14, 2007
    CSEtrader and murray t turtle like this.
  10. Flat Tire

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

    She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

    The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

    "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

    "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replies.
    #60     May 14, 2007