My friend Kevin is obese and has a lot of trouble holding down jobs so I help him out from time to time. I however am quite skinny and have a lot of trouble holding down girls so he helps me out from time to time. That's what friends are for.
A Great Oldie The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" . In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Looking for a post, I started going back through this thread. It is unbelievable good, and I had forgotten this gem. What a hoot.
Last night I accidentally put my donor card in the cash machine, I can't believe how stupid I was! It's cost me an arm and a leg!
At one point during a kids football match, the manager called one of his 7- year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose, together, as a team?" Again, The little boy nodded yes. "So," the manager continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a bad name. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a stupid fucking wanker' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the manager. "Now go over there and explain all that to your fucking mother."
2009âs First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle. âYou may pass through the pearly gates' said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, they are Carols'. And So The Christmas Season Begins......