Bill Clinton went golfing with his buds and when he pulled out a handkerchief to blow his bulbous nose, two condoms fell out. One of his buds asked him "why you be carryin two wraps? You only gots one willy." Bill said, : "just in case I get a hole in one."
Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?" The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole. "Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune." The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is." They walk up to the house and knock on the door. "Come on in," a voice in the house says. The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?" "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that." "Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return." "Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says. The genie smiles. "Consider it done." "And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you." The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room. When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?" "31," she replies. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Someone asked Joe Biden: "if crocodile shoes are made from crocodile skins, what are slippers made of?" Joe thought for a moment and said: "I guess they're made of banana peels."
President Obama was having his one, lone brief conversation this year with General Mcchrystal about Afghanistan. It didn't go the way the General had hoped. Obama could tell, and told him: "I bet when I die you'll piss on my grave." General Mcchrystal said: "No, I've always said that when I get out of the military, I'll never wait in another line again."
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" The string says "Yeah." The bartender says, "aren't you a string?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
The time is 2100. China took over from America for a few years but because people soon tired of noodle soup, rice and thoughts of Mao the world decided to elect a President of the World at the UN. One day this President's body parts get into a little argument. The right hand smacks the left hand and says, I'm the boss. The left smacks it back and says I don't think so. The brain kicks in and says stop it. I am the main part. Get real you two. The legs say shut it up there. Without me you ain't going no where. The arsehole says, hey what about me guys, I play a part too you know - so as not to be left out. At this reaction all the other parts of THE President laugh out loud, what's with the butt hole. Ha ha ha ha. How funny is that... This hillarious laughter goes on for sometime until Mr Predient gives a big stinky fart. The smell shuts them up and it all goes quiet. However, the arsehole having huffed and puffed in anger is still very offended and decides to stop working in protest. The next day THE President is unable to move his bowels. Rest of body parts do their work. The second day he is still unable to move his bowels. Rest of body parts continue to function but notice the arsehole is not doing it's work. Rumours circulate between the legs, arms, internal organs, the brain and the ears. Something is not quite right. Third day he spends most of his time in the loo and still unable to move his bowels. The rest of the body parts begin to stop functioning or rather disfunctioning. Hands start shaking and so do his knees. Appetite goes off despite eating to help flush the passage ways. Brain can't think straight, keeps going round in circles and wonders into the bathroom for no reason. In the end the body parts get together and have a huddle. The brain says look we have upset the sodding arsehole. The head nods yes yes yes The hands clap in agreement The feet stamp to say aye So they decide. The brain apologises to the arsehole and he is able to relieve him self. The moral of the story tells us, is who exactly rules the World
Last night, one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
Reminds me of the IRS, "Come down to the office and bring your records and books". They weren't to happy with my LP selection and my Bible.