The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Quaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
When my grandma died, it hit my grandfather very hard. He wouldnât sleep, he wouldnât eatâ¦. We used to take him bowls of soup in the evening and heâd just throw them against the wall. In the end, my dad started taking him bowls of paint. We moved him around the house and he did the hall, the lounge and the spare bedroom.
I was following some guy on a lame motor scooter for about three miles. He had a 10lb bag of dog food tied down with some bungee cords. He had some baskets on the side with misc groceries. Anyways, the bag of dog food shifted and was rubbing against the tire and there was a small spray of dog food hitting the tire and kicking up in the air. He'd hit a bump, and a big burst of food would come out, all the while the bag is getting smaller and smaller as the bungee cord did its work. The guy on the scooter was oblivious but I enjoyed the ride home that day more than usual.
For generations we had a grandfather clock in our family which was fairly unique as it had not stopped in over 100 years. My great aunt, the oldest surviving family member, came to stay last week, and sadly she died at 9.47pm. Amazingly, the clock stopped at exactly the same time. It fell on her.
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he raises his clenched fist at the clock and yells in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays to make you tock!"
The Cuckoo Clock The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh nooooo!!' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then threw up!"
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