When your sheep go to graze, In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh? When you ace your last tests, Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s! When on Mt. Cook you see, An aborigine, That's a Maori.
I was looking for hot air balloon jokes, there's only one (you know the joke where the guy asks "Where am I?"). finally I found another. Me and the wife did one of them hot air balloon trips where you fly over your own house... when she she leaned over the edge for a better look I pushed her out. I could tell she wasn't happy. In fact, she hit the roof.
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Up Time America <object style="height: 344px; width: 425px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jXeCAeACmJE"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jXeCAeACmJE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="425" height="344"></object>
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * * Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.* * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.* * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.* * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.* * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.* * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.* * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.* * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge..* * You cannot unsay a cruel word.* * Every path has a few puddles.* * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.* * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.* * Don't judge folks by their relatives.* * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.* * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.* * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.* * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.* * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin '.* * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.* * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.* * Don't quarrel with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he may just kill you.* * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.* * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.* * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.* * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.* * Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.* * Always drink upstream from the herd!*
COMPUTER TERMS - RURAL TEXAS TRANSLATION: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove. DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood. RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood. HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time. PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time. WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside. SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season. BYTE: What them dang flies do. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV. MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag. MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife. LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps. KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives. MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn. MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole. MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all". RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle.
Twenty Random Thoughts 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever. 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello??) but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste! 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How in the world do I respond to that? 19. I think the basement freezer deserves a light as well. 20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers: I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.